Ask P: Can I ask about an arrangement?

It’s not supposed to be complicated, but sometimes it just feels that way. Which is why I’m so excited to start a new series on my blog – “Ask P”

You can ask me anything*: whether you need advice, or a recommendation, or if you’re just wondering… “Why?”

To ask a question use the “Ask P” form. I will select questions to answer and feature them here on the blog on Wednesdays. And don’t worry- I’m not judging you! I won’t share your name (real or fake) or your contact information.

*Almost anything. This is not the appropriate place to ask me about my travel schedule or anything that can be found on my website.

This first question was deceptively difficult to answer, believe it or not!

“Hey P! I’ve got a guestion for you. I’ve been seeing a very special person for a while now and we get along really well. We meet maybe 4-5 times a month for dinner dates (2-3 hours) and overnights. Everytime we’re together we have so much fun and I’m always hoping our time together never ends. If I’m being honest though it is starting to get really expensive to see her at her hourly rate. I’ve been thinking about talking to her about starting an arrangement or some sort of thing? I know… or I think… I can’t afford to be her full on SD because I assume that means more than what I can provide. At the same time I am not trying to be seen as someone trying to bargain her rate. But I also wonder if this might be seen as something different? How can I approach this? Or would I ruin a good thing?”

This is a honest question and much appreciated. I think a lot of people assume that providers take for granted what kind of financial commitments clients have to make, and the reality is that many (I would wager, most) are fully aware and extremely appreciative. To be a “regular” is no small feat. 

On to the question – Some people pre-emptively address these sorts of situations by offering “packages” that include a set number of dates at a particular duration per month for a rate that is both comfortable for them and an enhanced value for the client. 

If she hasn’t detailed something like this on her website, don’t assume it’s because she hasn’t considered it: the appeal of an “arrangement” is not universal to all providers. On the one hand, it is nice to know that there is going to be consistency in the income each month. On the other hand, the trade off often means being comfortable earning less than the individual’s standard rate for the same amount of time/labor. Some people find the benefits to be worthwhile, while others feel that things should be straightforward in order to avoid confusion or a change in the relationship dynamic. 

Assuming she does not already detail something similar on her website, you have to initiate this conversation from level 0. 

Before you even approach her about this, I would start by having an honest conversation with yourself about what you actually want from an arrangement. If you are hoping to see this person more often than you’re currently meeting, at a rate substantially less than what you would pay at the normal rate, you can probably fuhgettaboutit. You cannot have your cake and eat it too, at her expense.

(I actually hate this expression – what’s the point in having a cake if you can’t eat it???)

Remember that this is her livelihood, or at least a part of it – it’s not about whether or not she likes you enough to see you for less than her standard rate. If you enter into the conversation feeling as though her decision is a reflection of how she personally feels about you, you will absolutely ruin a good thing.

Once you’ve got yourself in check, the best way to approach this would be to ask her on your next date how she feels about arrangements. 

Now if you find out that she is open to the idea, great! Except now, the difficulty becomes navigating the difference between selfishly bargain hunting and proposing a mutually beneficial arrangement. 

This is a very, very fine line. Because even if the person is comfortable with the idea of an arrangement, the process of setting it up can be where it all breaks down. It’s often not asking about an arrangement that ruins the “good thing” – it’s the negotiating. In almost any negotiation process, one side tends to misinterpret what it means for something to be mutually beneficial. Depending on how incredibly skewed one party’s perception of balance might be, the offer can range from adjustable to insulting.

To prevent this faux pas, ask if she could design one for the two of you. Be honest about what amount works for you and ask her to create something with that figure in mind.  

When I say ask, I don’t mean “What all can I get for $xxxx ?” This isn’t a Wendy’s, sir.

More so, “Since you’re open to an arrangement, could you let me know how often we could see each other, and for how long each date would be, if I committed to $xxxx towards seeing you each month? ”

Don’t expect an answer right away, else it feel like you’re pressuring her to rush into a big decision that may create friction later. Follow up a few days later, or on your next date. 

I would caution against trying to re-negotiate once she’s given you an answer. This is kind of one of those things where if she’s nice enough to make a concession, you probably shouldn’t push it. Accept or decline – you will be okay either way. Even if the end result is that you may not be able to see each other as often or for as long each time, she’s still the same great person whose company you enjoy so much! Appreciate that incredible joy of meeting someone and establish such a deep connection over time. Few people are that lucky <3